Vision

So, next week are holidays. And tomorrow I'll get my certificate. *scared*
I guess this will be my worst ever.

Between everything that happened in the last two weeks I noticed again, that I just can't be left alone. I mean this is the same fucking shit like in the last summer holidays. I need to be with people If I don't want to get lost. Even if I don't like it. Did I actually mentioned, that I hate myself? I'm unuseful, change my moods and interests every second...damned. Where the hell is my life? I feel like I'm floating away, just an empty soul. (A smile empty soul xP) Sick and tired of my lies, but I cant stop pretending. Don't know why I live at all. Thats how I'm feeling.

So, thats it to the depressive part. x)

Whats left to say...nothing? Nothing interesting at least. I gotta go to bed now. Good night.

Ah right, I should made an entry. My brain is just...unfixable broken. xD
well, its time to tell u about my life, or better whats left from it. My "Praktikum" (whatever it is in english) has started on monday, and as my mother noticed very correctly- its nothing for me. I mean, jeah, I feel like an "adult" and have a real work and stuff, but I miss my school life. It's fucked up, too, but I feel like my youth shall NEVER ends now. Work is like...you have to do everything right, don't make a mistake, because you do it for everybody around you. School, you do everything for yourself. You can hide...I want to hide, because...ah never mind. I will do it straight on these 2 weeks now. WHo knows, maybe its good for my ego.

Er, mood-swings are horrible, have I ever told you? I mean, yesterday, I was so down. I mean, I wrote kinda goodbyeletter for my future death. As If I had planned, I will do suicide. Today I was like changed. Totally happy. As If I'm shizophrenic. But I remember on yesterday. If the right song didn't help me in the very last second, I would have taken the knife again.

The worst thing is, that I can't explain this. I mean, neither somebody died nor anything else horrible happened to me. ´Maybe its because this "I can and am nothing and do everything wrong"- feeling. Or the emptyness in my heart. Or its just me, who is wrong placed on this earth.

But today I don't want to think about this bullshit. I feel good and do NOT want to change it right now.

Nevertheless I wrote a half novel here. xD

And another year passed by and I just thought its time for a new entry here. It's a pity that I can't read the entrys of my friends, these pages seems to be black and death. However, a new year and I feel refreshed. And a bit scared while watching the future. So, the troubles with my dad are gone, too, as I hope as far.

What happened. I play "pokemon" recently oftener. xD I know I am 16! now, but this game makes me feel home, anyway. I like it. x)

I was shopping yesterday. Hehe, awesome new clothes. But I forget buying that wonderful bag. Damn it! Well, maybe I will get myself into the bus and do this again.

Whow, I loaded now...5! Albums down. The long long break of being online is noticable. xD

uuuh yeah. That was it for today. Have a nice day guys and gays.

ps: I love Kenny! xD He took off his cape in the Film of southpark. Aaahh he is so cute! ♥

I can't help. I don't know exactly, but I have depressions. Not just single things coming someday and go anytime. No, the symptoms are clear. But I won't go to the doctor. Especially because no one gotta believe me. "U and serious depressions? No way!" no...I'm the perfect girl. I must be alright everyday.

*sigh* I want to die. I hurt everybody around me with my fucking character. My parents are killing me. They act like I am just an assistant for housekeeping and stuff like that. She knows nothing about me. Neither that I am a lesbian, nor that I am depressive!

But who cares. I will die and nobody shall cry. I don't deserve it. I am cruel. I am a liar. I hate me. And I just care about me, which makes me a horrible person, too.

Fuck you!

...don't they? Or is this a relative theory? If, I am. If not, I'm not a big girl. Big girls prove power, strenght. They are brave and do never show any weakness.

I cried. I am weak. I'm neither brave nor powerful to save somebody or gain any respect. But I hide behind a mask, that it all seems so. A mask called "big girl". I wish I would have worn it while I walked down the street. I just couldn't stop my tears. School's fault. My fault. It was a fault to even let me live. So why can't I just live like I wanna do? Just watch everything, never get hurt, never hurt, never do anything, never miss anything?

Life is stupid. I've become numb. But big girls never cry.

Cheers!

I was in London then. Beautiful town actually. But definitly too many mobilephones, needlestripes, fastfood expencive stuff and hectic in the streets. And of course my mother was annoying. For her we were foreigners in another town. For me it was like home. I dunno why, but it didnt feel like it was holiday. It was more an experience I have always dreamt of. But now I know, I hate the british Dialect. I love america (why the fuck must that country be so expencive? *cry*)

So, I decorate my room different. Some posters, photographs of my friend and stuff like that. I big one over my bed with those lovely two girls. ♥

Girls...yesterday I had a chat in msn with diana. She let me see her on webcam. It was...crazy but she has got anything. Hmm...even I dont believe she will ever come home here and watch Lword, as I may said before, we didnt even talked in real life once before. A very very strange relationship. (its not even one, isn't it?)

Gotta clean my room now. And help my parents. And dentist today at 5pm. Need to do some stuff for school as well. My god...

It starts getting worse. I am ill-starred, really. Why does love always fall to the wrong persons. She is arrogant, she is overbearing, she is just the type of charakter I hate most. Though she was different a few years ago. But somebody made her...really a pity.

I should also stop to tell D. everything that is on my mind. I do not know her and everything I say is dumb for her now, anyway. I don't understand her and I don't even talked to her. Not once! In this cases I'm a total fool. Like my heart as well, as it seems.

I need to learn!!! English and Biology- but how the hell should that be doable, with all those things on my mind. S.O.S?!


ps: I need to sleep. I'm totally exhausted!! >-

Jeah only one week school left!!! On weekend I gotta watch The L-word again and the week after will be sooo awesome. First birthday of my best friend, that vacation to London and then watching alias, then school again and then birthday of my other best friend. Wow, seems like I'll have got a lot to do. :)

By the way, I expect my diary to be published soon. Its seems to be very interesting. *roll eyes* But god bless my skills of being careful with handling it. I do not really wanna imagine, how anyone reacts to some of that erased facts.

And I'm asking myself if I'm really what I seemed to be. But I dont wanna stand in the middle. Either full or nothing. Well, lets see what happen. Maybe something with didi? hm...

I gotta take a bath now. bye.

I was creative...




I know it isn't THAT huge, buz still nice. ♥ Love that women! ♥

Ok, long time ago since my last update. Well, Whats up with me. Except of fucking school and fucking family and all that annoying stuff...a great thing called "The L-word".^^ God damn, I watched season 2 and I was totally sold on it. I love this show, I really do. Especially, because its reflecting my personality, or I should better say, I think so. Anyway, I stand in the river between two banks. The one called "lesbian" and the other one "hetero". Meaning I stand in the "bi- River"...I know, my descriptions are awesome. xD
Well, I mean I cant stop watch that women. Its like a sin. I am addicted to Alice and Shane. Women general. I dont like dicks. oô

However, my hospital career is save, I have to prepair many stuff for school and I'm so glad, that my friends are in school again. Another week would have mean my death.

Bye Bye.